Tofu Boy is sexy. His daddy must have been a baker because he's got the best buns in town. Not only is he charming, he also doesn't have flies following him around (which is a huge relief to his girlfriend, Bandage Girl). Why is Tofu Boy so irresistible? He's packed with essential vitamins and nutrients, is healthy and strong, and has the kind of stamina that fatty blobs of beef have only heard about in fairy tales. He has his way with the ladies, but only Bandage Girl holds the key to his healthy heart, and he'll do anything that he can to save her from Meat Boy's bloody, jealous rage.

Bandage Girl is just that—a bandage. Not just any bandage—the hottest bandage in town. Cubes of beef and tofu want her, and other bandages want to be her. After dating Meat Boy, she realized that animal flesh wasn't for her. After all, it's associated with obesity, bad breath, and high cholesterol—not to mention costly dry-cleaning bills (blood is impossible to remove). Bandage Girl was straying … and after one night with Tofu Boy, she dropped that rotting blob and never looked back.

Meat Boy is a vengeful, bloody cube of rotting animal flesh. And he smells. After a short-lived fling with Bandage Girl (sympathy dates, really), he became enraged when he was dumped for the tasty and satisfying Tofu Boy. Once Bandage Girl slept with Tofu Boy and saw all that he had to offer, it was bye-bye beef, hello bean curd. Enraged by his loss and lack of ability to compete with the badass that is Tofu Boy, Meat Boy snapped and kidnapped Bandage Girl—because if he can't have her, no one will.

Dr. Fetus is part fetus, part robot, part we-don't-know-what. He's a Capricorn, is handy with saw blades, hates water sports, loves torture, collects meat grinders, and is prohibited from being within five miles of a school or park. Creepy—you bet. Mentally unstable—definitely. Doctor—that's questionable. He's obsessed with Bandage Girl and is rumored to have been responsible for her past disappearance, though no formal charges were filed.